Tapos pag nag break out nanaman ang pimples, mag rereklamo.
This is me scolding myself at 1:13am as I type this quick post. Staying up late at night can be mentally exhausting because with the quiet setting (except for my husband's snore), all I seem to hear are my thoughts. Random thoughts about life. Like now, I'm again focusing on the fact that (and I've never really said this out loud before) that I don't know what I really want to do with my life.
When I was working, all I wanted to do was quit and stay at home and take care of the household and of course our daughter Rain. I'm living that dream now. And it's been great! But now that Rain started school, and that its been a bit easier to take care of her (because she already knows how not to bump her head accidentally or to only put food in her mouth), I'm starting to miss that feeling of sitting at my own office desk, and quite frankly I really also miss having a monthly salary. I want to have something I can call mine, and something I enjoy doing. I envy my husband sometimes because no matter how crazy his deadlines can be with his web series and the food blog, he seems to be fine with it because that's what he loves to do.
I took up Mass Communications in college because I've always enjoyed doing projects that involved videos. Back in high school, my cousins and I would shoot mini TV shows at home, like a low budget cooking show with a really crappy dish, (and a kalamansi as garnish), or an overly dramatic telenovela with a pointless plot with a Spanish title just because Spanish telenovelas were a hit back then. (disclaimer, we're not that crappy. We just really wanted it to be sarcastic and funny) Then I would add OBBs the hard way by using a PowerPoint, and shooting the computer monitor as I play the PowerPoint presentation with my video camera, while playing a dramatic music in the background. (talk about manual!) I have to find that tape again!
But anyway, after I graduated and experienced X number of years working in either production or events, I realized it was not for me. I got burnt out quickly what with all the overnight work and the fact that there are no room for mistakes because the show/event is live, until I got to the point that all I wanted an easy 9-5pm job instead.
Fast forward to today. My point is that life doesn't always turn out the way you planned it. And that the grass will always greener on the other side of the fence until I find something that I really enjoy doing. I mean I love being a hands-on mom, really. It's the hardest but most fulfilling job in the world. And I will keep doing it. But let's face it, Rain's not going to be a kid forever. And pretty soon I will need to search for work. When that time comes, what will I be doing? It has to be a job that I will enjoy doing regardless of how challenging it can become.
I've been trying to figure out what it could be. Until now, I have no answer.
1:41 AM. Damn you insomnia for making me overthink! And for making me crave for food that's not accessible to me right now. Where the hell is Mr. Sandman? My mind is exhausted. So much for my "quick post".
Staying up late sucks.